My favorite movie is Casablanca. My favorite song is I’ll Be Around by the Spinners.
Why?
They’re both sentimental. Maybe even maudlin. But I come from a long line of people who use sentimental props to release a little emotion without the threat of really losing control, so that fits.
They’re also about losing in love. Losing, but recognizing it, accepting it, and choosing to stand aside as gracefully as circumstances allow.
That has great appeal to me.
But I’m afraid it’s not for the nobility, the dignity of accepting your lot, even when it hurts. I mean, I tell myself that’s how I want to behave, and maybe there’s a little of that in me, but I’m afraid the deeper truth is simply that I’m an emotional coward.
I’m not very comfortable with emotions. I find them all difficult to confront.
I find confrontation very difficult for that matter, largely because of the emotional danger inherent in it. I don’t like being called out one bit – it embarrasses me, angers me, even frightens me – and I believe most everyone else feels the same. Confrontation is emotional.
Love isn’t confrontational. At least not usually. And yet it terrifies me as much as anger, grief, jealousy. Vulnerability makes me very, very uncomfortable. Is it because I don’t trust others? Probably. But I am quite convinced that sharing my emotions will just end up with me being completely flayed, which will break me, change me into someone different than who I am, and make it impossible to reclaim the person I am now. And I really like who I am now.
I’m not a physical coward. I can be physically uncomfortable without (much) complaint. I’ve finished many marathons and an Ironman triathlon. I’ve lived on a mountainside at 13,000 feet elevation in winter without indoor plumbing. I recently had a gall bladder attack that was excruciatingly painful. But while unpleasant, I didn’t shy away from any of it.
I’m not a spiritual coward, mainly because I’m just not spiritual. I don’t feel connection to the universe or to the earth or really to people I don’t know personally. I don’t think that makes me immoral or even amoral – I believe, strongly, in helping others. I think the point of life is joy, and that the greatest joy comes from experiencing life with others, in community, caring for and being cared for.
I’m not an intellectual coward. Ideas don’t scare me at all. I relish discussion, even about topics that are highly-charged for others, and I don’t feel anxious or intimidated about discussing any subject objectively.
Make it about me, however, and I will recoil. Irrational, certainly. It is a purely emotional reaction, but that fear of being permanently injured strikes me clear to my core. And so I protect myself by keeping my emotions locked up.
Except for the safe release sentimental moments afford.