We need to be the center of our universe.
Or, said better, we need to be centered in our universe. We need to know ourselves, what matters to us, what our priorities are. We need to know these things to make decisions, both important and not, that allow us to live the life we want to live. If we want to live consistently with our values we need to know what they are.
Without that center, we are likely to be buffeted about. We can never know someone else as well as we know ourselves, and so if we look to others to validate our decisions, we will be constantly shifting, never quite sure which choice brings us closer to expectations. And we will be at a greater risk of making a choice that brings tremendous regret.
It embarrasses me to admit that I have developed a center much later in life than I wish I had. And I am fortunate (perhaps!) that my major regrets are nearly all on the side of missed opportunities rather than life-altering mistakes. I didn’t compromise most of my latent principles or contradict significant inherent values while I was unconscious of them. My worst blemish came when I deceived my parents into believing that I was continuing with graduate school after I had dropped out. It ate me up, but I made a complete confession a few years later, and they forgave me, as parents do. My worst was done to family, who give way more leeway and consider way more positive interactions to balance our sins than people who know us less well. And eventually I accepted that one major lie doesn’t invalidate me completely.
What I have learned from my better-late-than-never experience of finding what’s important to me is that no job, no money, no friendship is worth compromising my values. I can find other work, I can get by on less money (for a short time at least), and I don’t need friends who encourage me to do things I really don’t want to do. I have other friends I can impose on in a pinch. But I will have to face myself every day. I can make peace with honest mistakes. But mistakes that I made because I outsourced decisions will haunt me. They have a long tail of recrimination and disappointment.
So know what matters to you. Think about the person you want to be. Ask yourself if you’ll be proud to tell your partner or your parents about the decision you make. Polonius has had it right all along: to thine own self be true.
We’ll have many fewer regrets if we follow his advice.